Some seem to think I am wise or am deep.. This is neither inside of me.. I see a light of hope that I chose to see.. I see this in ways that are not either positive or negative.. I chose to see all things in light.. Being that I lived primarily in darkness.. Doing bad things to myself and to other people yet always seem to place others before myself. There has always been something inside of me that was able to see the light but never go into it.. We have all experienced some pain every part of the pain different to a degree as we all have choices we make that can propel us into something that has a greater lesson to learn. I never reached this point.. I went past it.. I went directly into the darkness.. I hurt my family, I hurt my friends, I hurt those that were always supposed to be of unconditional love.. I did so cause I never embraced unconditional love within myself.. I knew of it in concept.. I knew of it in chasing it without knowing what it was.. I chased it outside myself. I embraced this doomed feeling and there were no words, no concepts, no anything that I could embrace besides the impending doom of my own existence.. I was born October 17 at 3:16 a.m.!
In 2007 I decided I would celebrate my final birthday and the next morning I would end this existence as it was empty and very cold.. I did everything I took drugs, alcohol and a bottle of pills and then all that needed to happen was to fall asleep.. I got up that morning.. and did just that.. 8:13 a.m. on the 18th of October.. I started and didn’t stop any of it.. till 8:50 a.m… By 9:30 I was non coherent… not able to move not able to breathe.. yet I kept hearing something calling to me.. It was sleep as I could no longer balance as a human what I had done.. there was no regret in me as I flashed through myself doing everything I had made of my life.. The rest was as we say dead.. I don’t remember much other than when I should have fallen asleep I felt a shock to my system that released me… At 6:14 p.m. I was opening my eyes and looking around everything vibrant, everything was new, seeing from eyes that seemed to have never seen before.. I could hear my thoughts as though I was watching them within myself resonate words of pain that seemed to no longer have the weight of what they had before.. Between the time I did what I did.. I was pronounced Dead on the seen at October 18, 2007 11:38 a.m…. As they had jarred me out of there.. something in me jolted and what seemed like a light heartbeat was a rebirth in me that became a miracle that we call the human experience.. They pumped me and removed things in me to get me to fight.. I didn’t have fight any longer all I could do was surrender.. for all that pain was the death of me anyway.. Why fight it.. why stay…
I chose this blog as a service to others.. I found something in me that day of rebirth.. That moment I woke and felt or knew something was gone in me.. For the last 5 years I spent healing myself.. Not by self help, or lets say of a therapist ,but inside myself.. I now was in the audience of something miraculous.. I was able to truly feel a light that kept wanting to shed the light of all the darkness in me.. Every lie I told came clean in a light.. every truth I hid I came clean brought into the light.. Every opportunity to help or serve others came to be a natural way of being. As I healed I healed those that had always loved me.. Not by asking them for forgiveness but by living in forgiveness to myself.. The more I released and forgave myself the more I was hearing love in the depth of the universe unfold before me. I didn’t go back to who I was.. I didn’t know how.. I can’t even remember that way of life.. Only as though I know as a story that I can tell others of someone who was outside of myself.. I became the light and I decided to bath in it.. I am not religious and I am not trying to get anyone to follow what they don’t understand.. But the spirituality in me called to a message that is written in all of us! I was just injected into it cause I embraced it completely in death.
I met my twin flame in 2005.. I blew it every chance I got.. I didn’t know what it was about her.. but she didn’t try and change me she just kept shedding the light on who I was and what I was doing. I was given a gift, it can be passionately seductive if not used properly.. I have the gift of words which was not being used properly as well. I was the lost place of souls that get trapped in pain and allow that to be my excuse to run from by all means necessary to include hurting myself to my core which I didn’t even know was there. (You truly can’t hurt your core just never hear it… this I learned as well and immersed myself into this very thing!) The more she looked in my eyes the more I knew she could see me.. I had to make a choice.. for every time I experienced this I saw myself.. It was unbearable.. Every been there?
Within my journey of moments in the past few years I neither select positive nor negative. I have been tested, I have been on trial.. When you send out such negative energy it is going to come back to you sometimes 4 fold! Well it came back after my death.. and each time stronger and stronger.. each trial I was broken, each experience I was exposed.. yet I still found a light in each.. I chose this experience not because it is the experience of choice but because in all things love is present cause it is the present moment. It doesn’t need to be about he said, she did… It is about the energy that surrounds all those things.. That is love!!! The greater you can feel it the more you will be able to embrace it inside to give outside.
I felt this was something I should speak about in this blog.. I am here to learn, listen to share and to point in places some don’t realize they have within them. I have read some wonderful blogs.. and responded when I could feel the energy from it. I don’t feel that is something I should stop doing for it is healing me in the process. I have been writing a book for about 4 months now.. The book was about how to go inside yourself to heal yourself and find something incredible that will point you to the vibrational energy that you are connected to and how to go deeper in love to it. This place has a place that can be shared with another it is neither wise or intelligent. It is a knowing found within energy! If we connect we multiply it’s feeling infinitely. If we disconnect we divide it in single form. This is the path I am choosing I am choosing it as though all other doors are open for me to go into. I hope this explains what I have in me.. everyone has it! I am just hear to point to it!
I am after all with a purpose to save this world. I can only do that one blog or word at a time not in the future or in the past, but in this moment. So if I ever left a note on your wall.. or liked your blog or am following you it is because it is an acceptance of connection within.
It is something struck in me. Stuck because every part of this experience has a cord of music that strikes everyone’s life. It is that simple! it is that true! And in truth it sets us all free beyond the mind. I thank you all for listening! I thank you all for the love you send when something in you gives you all the choices within you because of something I said or left unsaid so you could hear a different place in you make choice. Free will it is the energy that allows this experience and many more to come!
Until the next post. Realize deeply the present moment is all you have and in that you can make a choice. Staying still is not the same thing as doing nothing.. Stillness requires energy.. doing nothing requires…