Fatherless Son

fatherandsonA Fatherless Son….

 

24 million boys grow up without a father in their existence in this nation of ours.  What impact this has? Well let’s make sure we pay attention to this as it does impact us all in a way that we very seldom hear from a man who is experiencing this.

 

I remember my father being in my existence early on. I remember being taught politeness and other ways to be in manor as it pertains to how you interact with others.  He worked a whole lot in his life. I remember him being gone days, all day then eventually weeks, and then well…. just gone. I remember asking all the time where my Dad was. I know I felt something in me that started to feel as though I was the reason he wasn’t there. It started with something in me that felt lost. Then when it felt found it was a pain that I wished I could let go of. I knew that somewhere in me that I was not able to love cause he didn’t love me as a choice, he had to be a part of my existence. Months turned to years and years turned into more of me ignoring what I knew in me wasn’t ever going to be touched.  No emotional response I could have can be placed here to tell you of this abandoned place inside me that it took me years to fail to understand.

 

My Mother was my heart, and my Father well I learned his logic, never seeing that I would repeat any behavior of both parents. I did so without even knowing.  I was a dreamer, I dreamed a lot yet I didn’t understand the concept of love as something in it seemed to be missing.

 

I started to become more independent and more dangerous and I continued to seek ways of doing whatever I wanted. I was a boy trying to be a man never having the man who was responsible give me the approval to become a man.  I made very brash decisions, very painful outcomes because I was living entirely out of my mind. Chasing a love in me I would never find unless I decided to search for a reset button I felt never existed.

 

My mind was the place I could hide from myself and ignore the pain. It gave me anger, it gave me reasons to hurt others, it gave me everything but myself.  It took me to places beyond myself and beyond what I knew in me was real. I knew love was real, I knew that I was able to connect to others and make them feel my love. Yet I never knew how to love completely or without conditions. I made more conditions than I did the right choices in love.

 

I did get to be with my father at some point.  It can’t be seen through a child’s eyes the damage that was already done when you are a teenager and your view of the world was without someone to help guide you into the ways of love and how that love impacts you.  I saw his world and all the choices that he made within his world and felt betrayal. I felt unloved and felt I will always be last when he makes his choices when it comes to the love I needed. I never felt strong enough, good enough, and pure enough to be his first choice. Hence why I repeated to inflict my own pain on myself.  He made these choices and I felt pain. Undeniable amount of pain and this surged me to give pain to those that I claimed to love.  I own that, not because I no longer run from it. Because without owning it I would never heal myself or those that I love the most in my life.

 

I saw my Dad through his fathers eyes when I slept, after finally stopping all the pain and letting go of everyone I caused pain to. My honesty of not seeing I had become him was not him it was a version of the circumstances we both endured. I had to have this degree of pain and live in it alone. I had to embrace this to become a man, to be a man of strength, a man I needed to be, the man I wanted to be. I saw my son’s eyes through all of this. I made the choices I made and I face him even now. Knowing he is my heart, knowing he is my love, knowing he is the man I want to be someday.  I see my Dad now, he was only a cycle in the same place as I was. His father gone most of his growing up making his existence to repeat a cycle that I vow to stop within myself to allow it to stop for my son.  You never know the choices you have when your mind keeps you from the pain.  If you never embrace the pain you miss the love concealed within it to give to yourself.  I want to be all of love. To give to all the boys I have had in my existence. You may not have your father but you have the most important thing to ensure you make the change in the cycle, you have your love within you.  It is a place that needs you, it is the place that wants you.  A father who leaves it is not about you, it is about a chain of events that he will feel inside himself, that he will feel he will never be able to forgive in himself. So on that, make a choice forgive this to become the man you are meant to be. You do this and do so for yourself you make the existence you create.  You will learn emotion, you will learn love, you will not mistake all the love your mother tried to give you as what you will seek when you get older to realize the true love you are able to give to another. A mother pays dearly for the choices you will make in searching for love for she tried to give you what you were missing and you will do the same.

 

 

You accept this self love with everything you have within you. You accept who you are as everything you can be. Not in the future in the now.. you accept this and embrace the pain and become the man by embracing this pain to love unconditionally.  Your children need you to make this choice. Your parents need you to make this choice. This love is not absent in you. It is present inside of the pain.  Reach this to reach your true place of being and to change the pace of that number. 24 million will change a generation will change the world if this voice in them is found.. you do so with the knowing inside you.  As a man I will give you the love just for accepting this about yourself to become the man you were always destined to be.  I believe in you as I have found the belief in me.

 

With love I am sending this.. with love and truth!

 

To any woman that may find that their man didn’t have their father yet wonder why his love seems to miss something.. realize this is not just a place you will never heal in him.  It is a place he needs to heal to know the love he can give to you is real. If you feel this inside of you.. realize he is going to find the way as soon as he sees the point.  The point is he has a deeper place of love locked inside of him. With a key he possesses, NOT his father.  He is the father of his own journey and his own love to forgive what will never have answers unless or until this choice happens.  It is emotional and that is where most emotion is hidden cause it was never taught or learned yet he can show you his pain.  He releases this in your presence not your absence and definitely not in your forcing the issue.  Forgiveness is needed for this very reason of being.  Forgive!

8 thoughts on “Fatherless Son

  1. I didn’t have a close relationship with my father, I never feel that he loves me until I was sick and the love he showed to me was incredible…..I haven’t really touch on this topic in my blog because I want to feel him when I see him end of Jan. I want to spend more time with him and just really be with him…it was and still his incredible loves to me that heal my sick mind……I can feel what you feel…deeply….

  2. Very touching Clark. My father was in my life although he traveled a lot with his work. During the times he was away if I did something wrong, my mother would always say “just wait till your father gets home!” which always had me dreading Dad coming home. Not that he ever did anything except say a few words but I was never sure what might happen. I always gave my parents a kiss goodnight or before going to school in the morning or whatever. Then one day I went to give Dad a kiss and he pushed me away and told me I was too old to be doing that anymore, I was maybe 12 at the time. That had a negative impact on me and on my relationships with men later. It’s funny how something so seemingly insignificant can have such a lasting impact. Then there is the fact that I spent most of my life trying to win his approval that at least physically has never been shown me. Isn’t it funny how our fathers impact our lives whether present or not? And I’m not comparing my experience to yours of course, just musing I guess, lol.

    1. Oh my friend… that is truly sad.. yet we all seem to not pay attention to what has a lasting impact on us in some of the times we had. We are unsure on how to forgive it when it happens. Or that we should forgive it!

      1. I have forgiven him and I love him very much Clark. He has had some health issues over the past 2 years, a couple of times I thought he wasn’t going to make it and I was very upset during those times to even think of losing him. However he still continues to push my buttons, lol. He celebrated his 80th birthday in November so I’m very aware of the time passing. We are a relatively close family and celebrate everything together so I do see him quite often. I think he delights in having someone to argue with, lol, and I’m an easy target!

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