Intimate Abandonment !

images

The other day I was listening to a commercial and the commercial was about female Hormone Replacement Therapy, the commercial had women giving testimony on how the therapy was working for them. One woman in particular stated, “My husband is so happy, my sex drive is back and I cant keep my hands off of him”!  Me having some marketing classes under my belt, I thought wow that was genius. How many husbands are going to be wanting their wives to get this therapy” ? This commercial was geared toward men and not their wives.

I began to look at my own life and wonder if I  was just the exception, I dont need hormone replacement therapy, my hormones are always in overdrive, I began to look back at some of my former writing which surprisingly still all remain true, I found this.

“ I dream of Love Making so hot , so raw it has no boundaries, I dream of an undeniable touch,  a look an energy that is so strong there is no question what is about to happen, there is no human emotion or walls built up, there is no assumption about what he is feeling, I know without doubt he is wanting the very same thing.”

Human beings seem to somehow put a bridle on passion, we no longer are spontaneous or free with our passion towards our partner, for example all day yesterday I just wanted him, I needed him, I looked at him all day, lusted after him even in the oddest places and times, When he was driving, when he was working, when he was sleeping, when he was eating dinner, I watched him and I wanted him. But I did not act on it at all.

With children in the house sometimes unfortunately some things need to be discretionary , thats understandable, however passionate kissing and sneaking off into another room for a quick make out session, or a grab in the kitchen, or a touch or a look or few words whispered in an ear, that is passion that will lead up to quite an experience, why do humans put love making in a time frame? Mine has none, however I have found myself conformed to human standards and find myself more and more frustrated with those standards.  Why do I do these things, Why do human beings schedule times for Love making? Making Love should be held in the bedroom at bedtime, What??  Who came up with this? Why cant we be passionate all day every day, why cant we make love to one another all day everyday even if the actual act of love making has to wait until a more appropriate time, I feel passion all day, I wish for nothing more but to stay in that energy and stay in it with him. I have no desire to find excitable passion and hot sex, or passion with someone else I want it with him always.

I found this in an e mail sent to us last month from a woman in Illinois:

I find myself in some type of cycle, a cycle of waiting to see what he wants, waiting to see if he’s to tired and just wants to go to sleep, or if he’s not feeling well, and i should just let him rest, I even have found myself really wanting to touch him in the morning and holding back because “he probably” needs to go to the restroom and I dont want him to be uncomfortable, I do that more often than not and then find myself frustrated and eventually without his knowledge of the real issue I have an attitude as if its HIS fault.

I am stuck in a human world of waiting for him to make a move when I have so much sexual energy inside of me I feel as if I could burst, last night I just wanted to unleash it, and he came to bed and our oldest son was not home yet, and he left the bedroom door open to make sure we heard him come in, after about 30 mins he did, the door was shut and we made love and it was amazing, however I found that I was already in the “mindset”  that he was not “wanting me” and well “the mood” was not there, I had to clear my energy before I could begin to enjoy myself.

Its funny how the saying the mind is a very sexual organ, It is very much true, I love sex, I love to make love, I love passion even more and I seek a life full of it with him. I find that my mind most times gets in the way, assuming what he wants or dont want. Aching for him so often and finding myself so frustrated because that is not fulfilled inside of me, wanting to touch him, longing to feel him kiss me like he wants me and no one else, touching me like he cant wait until the time comes where he’s so excited he has no choice but to find somewhere to release at least a little energy. Uninhibited passion. An Energy everyone around us experiences. 

I was abused at a young age,I was told I was not worthy of someones love and would only be “Used” because that is what I deserved, for many years I allowed my mind to repeat those words and I continued the abuse on myself, I awakened and I realized who I really am. Does he see this? Does he know I am always looking at him? Does he know of this passion inside of me? Have I abandoned myself and my desires and my dreams?  Have I just allowed everyday human life and human scheduling to mold me?  Have I abandoned my sexuality, Have I abandoned my Passion? Have I abandoned who I really am? I no longer want to do this to myself, I no longer want to keep this boxed up inside of me, I no longer want boundaries, I no longer want schedules, I no longer want this cycle. How can I break free if he is stuck in his mind?

Its been 8 years since I met him, its been a rough 8 years, we have been through hell and back numerous times, however I still look at him like I did the very first time I saw him, I still lust for him always, I still long for him all day everyday! I still see his soul through his eyes, I still watch him walk, I still sniff his t shirts when he’s not around just to smell him, I still watch him sleep, I still want to care for him and make sure he’s ok, I still and always will love him unconditionally, I want him and only him. He’s amazing, he’s kind and loving and loyal and  he’s helpful and generous. He cares for our family and he provides for us, So what more could I possibly want? I just want him to pin me up against a wall, I want  him to hold me down, I want him to tell me in my ear he wants me,I want him to come to bed with no under ware on, I want him to sneak me off into the bedroom and kiss me passionately and let me know later when everyone leaves what is going to happen, I want him to keep me in suspense, I want him to want me as much as I want him. 

If he does how would I know? 

I would make him so damn happy he would be on an all time high!

Maybe he just doesn’t want me? I dont mean just sexually I mean Passionately, give me a reason to dress up, give me a reason to be naughty, give me permission to show you who I am! 

maybe he just dont want me like that, maybe he just dont see me like that, a life of  constant passion?

Why does my mind want to continue to tell me reason after reason why he shouldn’t, or why he don’t.

 What would happen if I just let all of my guards down, If I unleashed all of this passion and desire? To be accepted for it would be bliss, to be rejected for it at any time would be detrimental, and if he’s waiting for me to show him, why would he not help me by simply breaking some of his walls and showing me, its as if there is an unspoken elephant in the room that keeps saying, “wait for her to make a move”. 

He should be able to see I am scared and he should be able to feel my energy. Why is it so hard for him to just be the aggressor and except that all the while knowing I am wanting him at all times there is no bad time! If he made an effort to help me unleash this passion would he not feel the energy more strongly?

Do you feel her husband knows this information and is just rejecting her? Has she told him she simply needs him to be the “aggressor.” Does he feel unwanted because she is rarely the aggressor? If she’s responding to his advances EVERYTIME without ever rejecting him should that not tell him he’s wanted always? Or does he feel she’s just not that sexual?

Is there really this bad “stigma” that women dont enjoy sex, and men are pigs and that is all they think about, In this instance did this man assume his wife was not interested in him and he stepped out of the marriage to  “feel wanted”? That Stigma still rings odd to me because that seems to always be on my mind and I’m female. We can be at the grocery store looking at produce and I get a sniff of his cologne or I look at how his jeans fit and I get turned on, I find myself even when I am sick with a stuffed up nose wanting to be intimate with him. All he has to do is give me that look, or touch me, there is NO rejection, Never, he can wake me up out of a dead sleep and I would be ecstatic, I could be passing a kidney stone in severe pain and still welcome his advances. It dont matter if I have a severe “Headache” if he wanted to make love I know it would help my headache.

Why do humans make this so difficult? Why does the mind tell you if your not getting it at home, you can get it somewhere else, why is the excitement of an affair often the reason they continue. Why are we finding reasons to NOT find this excitement with our partners, the ones we share our lives with, the ones we love. Why is the answer always abandonment, abandon the commitment, abandon the relationship, abandon the communication, abandoning ourselves. and our desires and our dreams? Imagine if we all unleashed all of our passion on our partners, Imagine the marriages that would be healed, the relationships that would flourish, Why would you need to abandon your commitment, if you were fulfilled at home with your partner, Does it not start with You? What is it you are Abandoning? Your partners needs/desires? Are you abandoning your communication? Are you Abandoning YOUR desires?  Looking into ourselves are finally figuring out what it is we are abandoning and why it would cure a world of assumption and “mind noise”.  How could it not?

Love and light

Lois

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *