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Heart Values

“When you heart values someone you always return to them.” I heard these words the other day while watching an epic foreign drama where the main character finds success and true love against all odds. I began to contemplate these words. Were they true? Could someone your heart values return? There was something to this, something deeper than just the notion of a lost romantic love returning.

 

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Being a child of abandonment , living for decades caught in an endless story of the rejected unwanted child, words such as these immediately would sound beguiling. “True love always is deceptive and should be held under suspicion at all costs”, or so my mind always told me. Why? Its simple, Dad left mom, Mom left me, enough said. This trauma left behind a voice whispering, “ You are not special enough for someone to stay.”

Such whispers kept me in a continuous state of abandonment and rejection. I could lie and say to others “I want” or “I deserve” but inside I knew it was an impossibility for me. I was worthless after all. Due to the impossibility of someone returning to me, someone loving me for me, or for me to really deserve anything I feared being without. And so I became a chaser. I chased love holding on with a death grip pleading begging and falling at the feet of the one I adored. Why? Well, because if I didn’t, love would not stay. I had to keep it. I could not fathom having value to another so I took full responsibility of creating that value. I had to be the perfect one, I had to make everything happy, I had to say everything correctly, I had to be in the right energy. If sexy was wanted I became that, if sweet was required that was me, whatever was wanted of me I would make it happen. One mistake, one slip up and that was it, I lose all. And so I did everything I could to stay out of abandonment. I chased becoming whatever I needed to be. But the entire time I was always in abandonment. I had no self. I was just what I had to be.

And so here is the story of my life, my relationships. I would seek attention, glorify in its possibilities, alter myself to suit someone, yet when given attention back I immediately would invariably fall into a state of panic and confusion.” What was this? Is it real? Couldn’t be real, must have me mistaken for someone else. “ I was someone else, nothing was real because I was never real. This lack of authenticity was very frightening so I would grab on harder, doubt the affection all the more and wait for what I knew was coming… rejection, abandonment. Of course it came.

Then my heart found the one. My soul met the one. And I could not be anyone but myself. That meant the fearful one, the panicked one was seen. She couldn’t hide. And once abandonment and rejection met the light for the first time, they took over. I was left in a puddle not knowing which way was up or down, only knowing intense pain and fear. No masks, no perfection, nothing could cover up the real me, the one who was terrified. I discovered I didn’t know myself. I knew my heart and that it loved but I didn’t know the woman that was me. I had not really met her. If I didn’t know her how could I know her value, know her worth, know that she could be valued by another truly for herself? I had to discover this, I wanted to discover this, I needed to. I needed to live in the vulnerability that it created in me, me as the true me with another person and love myself. I needed to discover me.

truth

 

The truth is that it is not someone else who needs to value our heart enough to return. We must value our heart, our person, our soul enough to return to ourselves . We must seek within to find the true person inside discovering our worth and our own value. It is true when your heart values someone you always return to them. But it is self, it the me, who must be returned to first and discover that true love resides within. It is the love we have for who we truly are.

 

written by

Chaya@relationshipreinvented.com

2 Comments on “Heart Values

  1. I very, very much love that I read this tonight. I started reading it as something that might be insightful and relative to my own pain, and half way through it was reading like a letter from my Twin. I have been thinking this is what is going on inside of him, but I haven’t been sure and today I have pondered a lot of deep, raw and painful thoughts. I don’t know what is exactly happening, but this resonates with what I feel, only I couldn’t think it so eloquently.

    I am in deep, deep grief. I miss him immensely, like I never, ever knew I could miss someone. It’s profound. I have read so much at this site tonight, and I am so grateful…my day has been heavy and my ribs ache and my body feels battered and bruised. My oh my what pain. I am a spiritual learner, and I know the profound significance of this, though I feel worn…nearly bloodied. I almost feel defeated, and I know I need to surrender. My ego screams he is going to move on and forget me, and reading all of this here…there is no question anymore. He CAN’T forget me, and I am happy that I am not crazy about what I sensed with him all along. I only hope we can both do the work rather quickly so we can get back to what we were living and loving. Our love between us raised vibrations all around us, and I know that is our point, and our contribution together. I want him to discover himself, and find the love for his SELF. I know I need to figure out the riddle’s in me…about what I think I know and what my truths really are. I KNOW I love this man from the depths of my soul. Like no other, ever. I KNOW he loves me the same way. I KNOW, for the first time in my life of being left or abandoned, this is not abandonment. I thought so, but now I see he didn’t abandon me…he has a pain body that reacted to intense and overwhelming energy and he only did what he thought to do. It was his level of consciousness then, and no other reason.

    I still miss him, and I am hoping that this will be like both of us away at college or something…crash coursing our way through healing what needs to be healed so we can get back to each other and tell each other all about everything we learned, and get back to our mountain drives and camping and grilled cheese sandwich creations. I think we actually came together so we would know the other was around. So we can get our SELVES shaped up for the real Union of us, because of the potentiality of us, together as One.

    If I could only know a few little things…I’d wonder if he misses me when the room is silent and the darkness of night settles in. When he is alone? Am I hard to shake, in his thoughts? Does he feel me when I talk to his heart, from where I am, not knowing where he is? Does he have reminders and memories all day long too? Lastly, the memories and reminders are torturous…if I enter the energy of anger I can sweep them away, but because I love this man and can feel no anger, I can’t sweep them away. I have a feeling this Love is teaching unconditional Loving.

    Thanks for the unlimited word count.

    My musings, (mostly)…Is it wrong or counterproductive to keep hope alive that way? What about Law Of Attraction? What about ‘what you focus on you create’? Even if I focus on good things, that way?

    • Hope is not what is needed dear soul.. your ability to be out of your mind is.. I know that sounds strange but there are patterns of the mind in survival mode that make it impossible to see what is the truth and what is the lie that keeps you apart. The laws of attraction are always on and yet it can be as simple as something hidden in you that causes rejection or abandonment and not see it for what it is.. What is good and bad? have you a total picture on what these are to you? If you look at what is missed is it something you are ultimately saying you can’t give yourself first? how deep is the love you give within yourself is the question? is there enough to give to you and then him? Look deeply into that for this is where this resides within you! If nothing else we are here and can help you go deeper.. Love deeply, Lee and Sherry

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