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I chose my pain over your love…. Jan 10, 2008

Happy I don’t know what that is….

I am down to it and it is about being happy… or no longer have happiness to be in my life.  This is the end of the road.. I either turn left or turn right.. to turn right would mean being alone in search of the unknown which is possible happiness.. to turn left would mean to be with you and be miserable.. no happiness there.. just exist and let my gift go the ability to see inside the soul of myself…. there are no other choices now.. the choices have been placed before me.  I regret not letting this go before.. no letting you walk away.. not allowing the pain to be final.  But it has to be final now!  I can’t allow the torched of the soul to continue as it will haunt me my whole life.  I know you want to hear me, I know you want to listen.. but you can’t hear me.. no matter how much you try or want too.  The light I walked into has pushed me back until I make this choice.. a choice that will hurt but the pain will reside.. in time!  I want to walk into the light.. the darkness in me needs to finally have a resting place so I may become all that I was meant to be.

I am a spirit of a soul who can be a shell of who I can become, I can let it out or wish it away.  I don’t want to wish it away.. I want to be happy… I want to know what it is to love myself by myself.. I am scared and I am hurting that I will not be able to take you with me.  But I have to let you go.  No coming back.. no hope of what tomorrow will bring.. no escape from the pain, it has to be dead on.  I want your happiness as much as I want my own.. and I would not be happy… you are in my heart and have helped my heart grow to where it is.. on that if you want to see my happiness turn to bliss you will have to let me go and no longer hear from me.  Not ever no matter what… the time is now.. it is now or I will no longer see what I was to become.. I know the pain is deep.. I know it will be hard.. but the love for yourself will get you through.  I will always love you.. but more than love waits for me… my inner heart has to blossom.. will you let me go? Will you find the strength to be all that you can without me? I will not move forward unless you can and if I don’t it will all be lost… lost forever…. Do you understand? Can you see my light fading… I can … it will not come back until I am alone! Deeply alone.. a cocoon needs to spin around a caterpillar in order for it to turn into a beautiful butterfly.  I can’t be selfish, I can’t be weak.. I need to let it spin around me.. and build what needs to come out… the tears will flow inside as I breakdown into the unknown.. the unknown of not seeing hope.. not seeing a tomorrow… it is now… I have to do this… I want too…. I need to know what I am.. and who I was supposed to be… Now…..

3 Comments on “I chose my pain over your love…. Jan 10, 2008

    • It was everyone around me to include her during that time.. I had to destroy what I was and this was the place I had to journey to bring myself to light.. I will post one a day so it can be understood why I am… I am..

    • I didn’t answer your question about working out.. I love her in a place that well… where Love, joy, and peace are deep states of Being or rather three aspects of the state of inner connectedness with Being. As such, they have no opposite. This is because they arise from beyond the mind. Emotions, on the other hand, being part of the dualistic mind, are subject to the law of opposites. This simply means that you cannot have good without bad.

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