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No one is listening… no one can hear me…. second post Jan 10, 2008

No one is listening….

When I speak I wait and listen only to find that I am the only one who hears me… I speak out loud… I wonder if I need to yell… why is it that as I am learning who I am… I am becoming more vocal about my own needs my own wants… my own desires… why is it such a show to show me that anyone can be that person… the emptiness of what can be filled lays there waiting for it.. Looking for it… wanting it to be real… not imagined… did I see and feel that time can stand still when you find it… did I make it up within to wake myself up to so much more of what is there in my life.  I only wish to finally look at someone and know they hear me… they don’t need me to tell them they can hear my heart speak within and answer it out loud.  I don’t want to revert back to what was I can’t ever… I have let go of who I was… I have let go of who I thought I was… I am still growing but not the way I once saw… what in me keeps telling me to wait… slow down… don’t… how do I know who I am if I never get up to see who I can be.  Do I wait and let things continue or do I scream at the top of my lungs this is what I want… and see if anyone hears me…

I will always listen to me… I hear me… I know what I feel is real… no one can take that from me, nothing I have done, no choice I will or have made will take away that I know me now.. My life is not written… not some magic force that will find me… that force was there for a moment… but only as a push to be all that I can be… and what is important to me… what is important to me is love… love of myself… love of the pain I have caused to myself.. The ability to look within and know that I am healing… healing what is within… no one can change or take that away from me!  No one hears me… no one is listening… I have friends who I reached out to recently and can tell… they still look in the one side and will continue all their lives. Not realizing that MORE is out there… I listen to them, I look into their eyes and see all the pain they are in living the way they do… only to claim that there life is boring without changing things up all the time.  You can’t be bored with another…  you can be deceitful, you can be ignorant, but you can also be running from the pain that is you… why do we all make that choice… the choice to not let ourselves be happy… we make the choice to live in a world of drama, lies, pain… ignoring the passion, ignoring the way we feel… burying ourselves because it is the right thing to do.. is it right listening to what your soul and heart tells you… doesn’t your brain immediately tell you the pro’s and con’s to what choice you will make… what would happen if you just followed your heart forever.. Let it go… let yourself feel… let yourself understand what you feel… don’t hide… don’t run… face your love head on…

I want to be more than I am… I want someone to at least hear me a little… enough to wake up… enough to let something magical spawn in them and allow themselves to go to this place with me.. The place where the raindrops slow down… and the kiss finds its way to be even more explosive than any thunderstorm… The look within each other’s eyes can be so great… so intense… so magical… so incredible… being lost this way… being touched this way… time has no place… it will never have a place there… It can never be broken once it is there… and it is nurtured… life throws such painful punches… some so much you can’t get up from… some that push you into the darkness of light that brought you to life… how do you go back.. How do you stop falling… do you let yourself go… do you just play happy… do you just play as though you aren’t in pain… do you include others in this and effect what they will see is happiness… how do you make such a choice that can effect your children.. How do you understand that the pain you will allow yourself to go through is not something they will allow themselves to go through?

No one hears me… no one is listening… when will time stop again… when will magic find me… is it out there for me to find… or did I imagine it… do I just love to exist now.. Is that my choice now… is there no other choice to have.  I can’t understand what I can’t see! I can’t see what I can’t understand!
My soul is speaking to me in a way I never knew what was possible… I never knew that life has so much more to show me… I want to continue my growth… I want to fall in love with me everyday… I want to find where I make sense… do I even know where that is??? Does anyone? Does anyone hear me? Are you listening?  I am alone… but I am not… I am lost but I am found!  I want to be happy… I want those I love to be happy… do I know what that is… I listen… do they? Can they hear? Does time sit still for them? Can they understand going through every day of your life, is not what we are supposed to be doing… slow down… no one is listening… no one hears me… who can hear me… please say something… I need to know I am not alone… I hear you Clark… I am listening… (Clark)  I am listening… what makes you think no one can hear you… why do you feel no one is listening… I can see it within them… I can tell they could care less about listening… they are living and not listening… not listening to themselves and not listening to me… what do you want them to hear? What are they supposed to be listening for…? Exactly… that is what they should be listening too… it is there in that place… where the time stops… and you can hear…. You can feel…. You can see….. You can touch…… it is there… do you hear me? Are you listening?

11 Comments on “No one is listening… no one can hear me…. second post Jan 10, 2008

  1. I’m listening!!! *smiles* I say be passionate about life…LIVE. Be careful..who you let in on what….I am so choosy….and I have to be …to protect myself. But I’m in love with love.

    Peace….love….happiness my friend

    • I used to live carefully until I realized that wasn’t living at all.. Each moment without fear is being in that moment totally… Not because I fear it or can get hurt but what if that moment is my last.. would I want to have any of that in me to miss this beautiful thing we have. I am so blessed that you are listening and I hope that you can hear me.. TY Isabella sending love your way!

  2. In this passage, you’re in turmoil and you’re striving.

    Do you think you reached the destination? Did anything outside change?

    • No my friend… I have not reached the designation, I started the journey and in this journey the moments each one are what I was in search of all along. The outside changed when I went inside.. As I post these from then you will see pain, you will experience anger, you will experience my regrets, you will hear the last dying will of a man who was far worse that what a man could be.. He’s dead now.. but it is important that this be shared as it has to leave the trail of bread crumbs for those that are going through this.. going through pain and the not knowing… there is so many doors my friend.. but one leads to freedom of pain and from loss, and from regret to the door of forgiveness! What about you my friend, how did you find your inside voice? Clark

      • I’ve thought about this an awful lot. I hope that we’ll get insight into what made you think of yourself as a bad person. You sound pained, but with a heart and soul striving for good, even in these passages. You sound awake and aware. And that can be pain, maybe.

        It works. It helps to think that there could be an “end” or an “other side”. Not just learning to live with and tolerate the pain, but actually being free of it. I wonder if it is just an illussion. If you’ll find yourself back in the pain some day. That is the cynical part of me, thinking that fear and isolation is home base.

        My own inside voice? I think my struggle has been to accept my voice, not to find it. To believe in it and let it be. It has always been here and I’ve always felt like it has made me a proud freak, outside the world and unwelcome. My journey is probably to just accept myself.

      • My friend as far as my pain… It will get far worse I am going to post these as you will find that I was not just in pain, I was pain in form as energy… Some called it bi polar, manic depressive, suicidal had left cause I failed at the attempt, but successful killed in me what decided to die… But what is left when you fail this attempt.. what happens if you survive… Well.. when I allowed this death something came back from where my energy went to in pain it got to stay there… This was the residue left and it was only the beginning of the pains that came a destroyed what a man who was able to manipulate, seduce, unconsciously dive into drugs, denial, sex, misuse of peoples feelings, destroy a child’s view of the earth, controlled with full capacity of the mind and what was able to be lived in it.. What was the root of the evil that was my life, was the cycle of two parents that didn’t love each other the way that would give the love I have now.. rather it gave me choices to do all the things they did to each other and others without remorse…

        What this will allow you to experience is that in what I share each day with my blogged post that got me to here.. I am leaving it here cause I seldom speak about it, The fear is what pain would I find if I traveled inside myself, what kind of pain would then bring destruction, what kind of pain would emit death when I bring it to myself.. This will allow you to hear the voice that spoke back and is before you now.. Tomorrow’s I will post later in the day…there are 494 pages of blogs that are written that I got to where I am now.. It isn’t so much about the number of them as much as it is about what they contain.. The ultimate battle between good and evil.. the battle of heaven and hell.. then the true battle that emerged when all came out to show the true illusion that was created by my ego vs my being.. I was meant to meet you my friend… as some will speak to you in a way that was directly a message to you! It is with intent that this will unlock what you have to place in your purpose here. Your following yet hearing something inside yourself.. For that I am thankful and for that I am glowing by your pondering the door that has opened… there will be more to open! I promise! So please ask questions sometimes the questions are answered inside you and you will find confirmation that you heard it through the energy from here!

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