Quest for all the pain to come to me.. Feb 20, 2008
I went back today.. went back in my pain of why I punish my body…. it is about time.. the souls connection to the being.. the being connected to the body… and lastly it’s connection to my mind..I felt today alot of people loosely use the term they want to beat their kids.. or they do.. I am from that life.. and I am hear to tell you the years of abuse and the time of doing something to the body of a young child can leave them to not take special care of their bodies.. they can abuse them.. alcohol, drugs, sex, over eating, under eating and subjection of some type of forceful pain.. it can be that you were raped when you were younger or just plain had the crap beat out of you… there lies a withdrawal of what your body goes through.. it becomes a shell and it becomes a target of hell.. a hell that you wish to endure for temporary relief.. is it really relief?? or is it numbing of the soul that your body wants to call attention too.. not something you want and need.. but something you put yourself through.. on what level does it take to see your body as your temple.. how do you finally let go and realize that it is a part of you that needs all the love you give the rest of yourself?? how do you wake up to let that in and let your body finally stop the pain?? the pain of suffering.. the pain of being abused as a punching bag.. how do you finally realize that all of these parts to you are centrally connected?? they are within a need to be touched.. not one piece at a time but all together.. The inner being that heals reaches to all these parts within you.. the parts that are calling to you.. the parts that can accept that you are not to be abused.. by yourself or anyone else.. They are a part of a greater part of you.. without the soul the being can’t exist, without the being the mind can’t exist, but most of all.. all of which can’t exist without the body… These parts to you are sacred.. they are a part of the overall you.. if you ignore one of them.. you must ignore all of them.. each has it’s part in you.. and you in each part.. when they all finally come together.. they will find their peace.. I am struggling hard through this one.. As for the years of pain… and the years of abuse that was given upon by those that should no better.. but were brought up the same way by their parents and their parents before them and then enslaved and beaten to show a form of power…. and then myself allowing that to continue.. I am healing within these words in some way.. but my body.. is still ashamed.. and still in pain.. it wants to be numb.. it wants to separate the things that I am bringing within my life.. my inner connectedness… it doesn’t want to be accepted.. I wonder now.. I wonder if it was because of my thoughts.. they went elsewhere when this happened.. and then the soul was left to scream and the being.. well the being drowned in it all… it was a very sad time.. years.. decades… so how do you merge all to see what it makes when they connect??? how do I do that??? do I let myself go on a binge??? do I sit here and suppress??? do I write and see if something in me has finally clicked??? I want to heal!!! God please heal me!!! I will believe!!! I will surrender!!! but something has to give.. I want all of me together… I want to forgive.. I need to forgive.. me and those that did this to me.. I am strong enough to fight but need the strength that only a belief can give now… so what do I do.??? what would you do? has this happened to you? does anybody get this? am I again all alone???? how do you mend that which refuses to heal??? The answers are coming.. I can feel it.. I just want them now.. I need them now… I desire to have peace all over within me.. my inner soul.. my inner being.. my inner/outer body.. where does it start???