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The uncomfortable pain that is me… Jan 20, 2008

Pain… horrible pain… the discomfort of living.. feeling the emotional choices we make and how they hurt those around us.. how we continue day to day and not even realize the pain this leaves in others.. not the same of the 3 times we physically cause pain to numb ourselves from the pain we are in…. but more than that a pain that haunts you and hurts you enough to let you feel as though hell can be home.. you can hate.. you can let your emotional energy consume you.. and you can live in the pain of not being connected to which you are supposed to be connected too… we have our days when it is bearable and then those days in which we cannot… to be alone in the world you must realize you have you… not to have to care or worry for anyone else.. you are all there is.. and anything else you are just existing… finding yourself means finding what it is to be loved… when you truly love yourself… you truly grow… and those that question how they are connected… or even wish they weren’t have to wake up eventually to the horrible truth that you are the shell that is walking around.. you have everything in you and are awaiting to see what you are to be… all needs have to be met.. you have to live your life… you have to open you heart to that which is the unknown.. the unknown the way you didn’t see your future… your being is able to grow there.. not wait… not sit and not live… the emotional torture of not being you is enough to kill the smallest and biggest things in life.. and to continue that same torture even after it has made sense to you… makes no sense at all… you can change your life.. you can still make the right choice.. you chose to for one reason and one reason alone.. for you and that includes the children around you… they are the lives of our soul that which all choices are made and can’t be forgotten.. they give you strength they help us remember what is was to be young to see no responsibility, they see no fear, they have no insecurities.  Anger is a fuel to this pain.. anger is how we release ourselves.. to be angry you have to be honest.. and maybe then you can release what you felt was hurting you in the first place… Our children are the garden of all that is life.. they help us see ourselves when we cannot.. or we will not.. what impact of our own happiness effects them.. how are they supposed to know what is love if we don’t love ourselves.. choices.. we all have them… and then we make them… and then sometimes we regret.. we regret and we hate… we hate and then we love.. and then we ask for forgiveness.. forgiveness within.. we do…. but nothing ever takes away the pain… not ever.. not now… not for anything.. we lose… we lose because we don’t understand the choice we made or continue to make… it is for nothing.. stoping time is lost… all is lost… why do we do it? what in us keeps us from being happy… we do! no one else you are responsible for what you chose.. live in pain.. or live in happiness… nothing else matters… roses bloom all the time.. just look for them…

my child shares the pain i go through.. he can feel me and is connected to me.. he can see that I am not whole.. just as I see it.. but I am complete.. I am because I am ready now.. but today I am in pain though.. real pain… something in me.. is hurting… real bad.. and it is sharp and it hurts.. like a painful twist to my soul.. my soul hurts.. my soul aches.. it is trying to tell me something.. something I don’t want to hear.. something that only I can hear.. I feel it everyday but today it is stronger than normal.. it is more painful than before.. but I am going to keep going.. I need to heal.. I need to heal this pain… my pain is my salvation.. it is my freedom to be free… I am letting go of this.. I need to… I want to be happy…

10 Comments on “The uncomfortable pain that is me… Jan 20, 2008

      • Most days… but now I try to write it down and get it out. Or else it’s like a heavy weight on my mind, weighing me down endlessly.

        • Maybe getting it out is the way it stays that way… why not try something different.. Why not embrace it even more. When you want to understand something embracing it gives you a chance to look at it more closely. It also takes love inside of it to heal it? Do you know what I mean?

          • That’s a very different way of thinking… but I can see what you mean. I don’t think what I’m doing is enough, and I have nothing to lose. I should definitely try this. I shall persevere.

      • Actually it isn’t thinking differently.. when you are sick don’t you do something to take care of yourself to heal.. how is this any different? It’s why we do nothing when we see someone suffering we don’t know what to do… yet we don’t embrace them? Why?

  1. I believe because we are the passionate ones we feel more. While we feel happiness, we also feel sadness on a much grander scale. It’s a blessing and a curse. My heart goes out to you Clark. Know that you are not the only one.

  2. I’m at a space now where I want to give up. I want to stop and retreat back to an internal prison. These words and knowing that you perservered…it helps. You found freedom.

    • I realized that in the space of pain and embracing it I created a free space inside of it. I didn’t need anyone to tell me this as it would have only made me move from it even more. In the silence that surrounded me and in the loneliness I heard myself which is always the place you should listen to first. All the multiple voices of pain had overshadowed this very voice that seemed to come through only in my presence was it available to me now. Not before this but in the moment of this!

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