Broken soul…. October 31, 2007 found this.. sorrow awaits no one…


Current mood:ashamed
I have been broken all my life.. first the foundation which is your childhood and then life as you get older.. you know the cracks that can be spun into your world and then cause even more cracks.. well that is where I have come from.. On October 18th the day after my birthday this year I was awaken by a spirit who showed me all the paths to my life.. and on those paths I saw something that was who I was if I kept living that way… I have a gift this guide told me the gift of love eternal..(hence my birth time 3:16 a.m.) I am still on this journey. the way to finding this soul that is in here that I buried and never came to life cause it was safer that way.. I can only see now that I was going through the motions of life in a very dark and painful way.. deceitful would be a choice word for those that can’t connect to someone who they have not known their whole life, but not the word of someone who was living the life.. I hid myself from a world that lacks the passion to share all things that are good and bad.. I changed my life and let it take away everything from me that was dear at the time.. it doesn’t make sense and that in itself is a very long dark story.. I get it.. I get it on so many levels some I am still discovering about me.. I want a life filled with love.. a life filled with forever cause it is just that strong.. I want the passion of the kiss of the spirit of another and want to feel her even when she is not next to me.. The picture I use is of Superman breaking the chains the chains that have held him back for so long cause he was dying inside.. dying from the fears of abandonment.. when you have a father who can leave you and a mother who is there but she was not.. due to her own soul torchering. you make your own ideas to what life can bring you.. you can run from all those that love you and even disappear.. I have found in me I don’t want to disappear.. I love my son… he is my life and my soul.. he is the first chain of events in my life that I was able to break..

But what of the other parts of me.. am I alone in coming to this rebirth within a love that is so powerful inside me.. is this love real? can I share this with those within my life… can I show them this love they can’t see… it goes beyond years and also transcends time.. it is a light that has never shown itself before.. who’s lives will it change.. how do I heal? how do I continue to heal that which has no ending… everyday is the answer.. and not hold onto it any longer.. it needs to be set free… I need to find my smile in me… no one else should have this responsibility.. I want it for myself.. I want it for those that are in my life.. I want to be happy for me.. I found someone who made me smile and I thought it was long gone.. I destroyed that too… but when we find such things we normally brush it off as if it was their loss.. It was not their loss it was our own… I have been digging for days now.. and can see that my ability to keep going in deeper… and taking one step forward to take two steps back is a pattern I will keep doing till I show the actions that show me who I will become… I want to give all this to one person.. one person can take all this and keep it close inside them..and protect it and help me protect myself.  They can understand it and nurture it.. and let it be something they will always keep inside of them.. they will let it grow and share their own growth in the process.. I am broken.. but I am broken cause I never wanted to put all the pieces together.. I am going to do that now.. do that because it is what I want to do… I want to put me back together to be me who I have never met only nurtured needs to satisfy my loneliness… and to be in love with me for all my life.. I need to be responsible for me.. no one else… I can be all that I dreamed.. I can have all that I ever dreamed.. and I can listen to the dreams of others.. I can express my love, I can let their love be expressed to me.. I can say what I feel out loud and not feel the fear anymore.. I have to let the fear go… It is the journey that is calling to me.. it is the journey I was born to live.. I am healing………………

4 Comments on “Broken soul…. October 31, 2007 found this.. sorrow awaits no one…”

  1. Followed your posts today on my phone. Time is short and I have much to do. I will Email you a note sometime tomorrow if you don’t mind I will grab your Email off your Gravatar. Min is on mine as well if you like. The post is awesome and very intriguing as well as heart wrenching in some ways. Thanks my Friend for sharing your lessons and your heart.

  2. Hi. Sorry I did not respond to your last comment. You asked me about my life story. I had it up here at one point, but I’m tired of thinking about it. In a nut shell my story is similar to yours. I’m just a person looking for healing and trying to love. Thank you for your kind response. M

    • Yes the mind always seems to be louder when you are healing.. It wants to keep the past alive somehow and it looks for various ways to keep it inside you to torment you till you realize you have the power to submit or surrender to it and heal it for what it is… after all it is the past and not this present moment! Thank you for responding back. Clark

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