Healing Series May: Fear as an addiction!
We all reach a place where we wonder will everything turn out alright, will this all be a mistake if I choose to go this direction. What if I become something I don’t want to be. The truth about fear is, it is paralyzing and keeps you from the moment where everything is as it is. I remember the fear I had when I started writing all those years ago, not sure if what I was even writing made sense, or even what I was saying, did it truly touch anyone? I know what I felt inside and it was trying to make me see a past or future where the thought process was only going to give me one failed result. Failure!
It wasn’t until I stopped writing, for what I dreamed, and started writing from what I could feel. I had to make sense of it somehow. I guess it was my true source of healing. Yet what was left was the fear. It always seems that when I say or write anything I feel a sadness lurk about inside that says no one gets it, no one understands. Yet here I am doing this same ole thing again. Wondering if I made the right choice, or am I doing the right thing.
I had so much to heal then, as I still do now, I found out the truth about healing, it can creep up on moments we are in fear or when we just don’t know why we are even speaking anymore. Anticipation of what is to come of what has been left here for family, friends, stumblers and the like. I only know that one day it will be gone into and something more powerful will arise from the fear that enabled me to stand there in silence but found a way to write it here for others to see they are not alone.
The fear of someone thinking your are crazy, that you have lost your marbles. This judgement that we do to ourselves always gives our fear it’s greatest strength. It blocks us in the midnight hour keeping us awake to play mental movies of the pain we see coming our way not even seeing the pain is there with us in that moment.
The energy of fear is strong enough to help us keep the lies we tell ourselves inside alive. The alive creates a persona we keep and find a distinct role in playing this out. Keeping our love hidden inside, fighting our hidden screams in terror knowing that we can’t find all the missing pieces of the puzzle to find out what this all means. We never put ourselves in the puzzle we are not seeing the edges of how we fit into the puzzle so we don’t put ourselves in it.
When she kept convincing me to speak from this ancient soul of mine, I had a ton of fear! Actually still do, for I can always feel no one is listening but they can feel me and what I am saying. They have this space inside to. The one the fear stays in control of and keeps the ego running or chasing it’s tail not seeing why when they go a different direction that darned tail keeps getting away from them.
Fear has a lot to do with acceptance, what we can’t accept we fear, what we do accept well there is a certain amount of fear with it to. Something that seems on the inside we will suffer from in any form of acceptance.
For years and years I ran from myself for I had to much fear to face myself, to see myself as everyone else did. I was by far the worse fear happening to myself. My choices, my challenges. Yet it also seemed that after I became more aware of energy the fear was then utilized to look even deeper to myself that ever before. Fear is what showed me that what I couldn’t love about myself I couldn’t let others love about me. This was mind blowing but also very real. I realized I was only going to be as strong as my own fear. That fear was mine to do something with or I was going to lose what mattered most at that time. Myself!
The truth about fear is that it doesn’t have any real truth. Nothing tangible anyway just a thought process that calls to self annihilation.
Next time you feel fear ask it what it wants from you, if it tries to take you from the present moment realize that it is only the illusion of pain that you already have somewhere inside and hold yourself through it. Never let it tell you what others think, never let it tell you that you are not love, and mostly never let it keep you in a cycle of thought to make you lose what matters most! The deep love you have for yourself.
Remember fear is love inside of it, it makes you feel the threat of love being taken away somehow. It just isn’t true you can’t take away something you are! You are love dear soul!