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My first blog December 25, 2007 To Heal…

To Heal…

I have been broken all my life.. first the foundation which is your childhood and then life as you get older.. you know the cracks that can be spun into your world and then cause even more cracks.. well that is where I have come from.. On October 18th the day after my birthday this year I was awaken by a spirit who showed me all the paths to my life.. and on those paths I saw something that was who I was if I kept living that way… I have a gift this guide told me the gift of love eternal..(hence my birth time 3:16 a.m.) I am still on this journey. the way to finding this soul that is in here that I buried and never came to life cause it was safer that way.. I can only see now that I was going through the motions of life in a very dark and painful way.. deceitful would be a choice word for those that can’t connect to someone who they have not known their whole life, but not the word of someone who was living the life.. I hid myself from a world that lacks the passion to share all things that are good and bad.. I changed my life and let it take away everything from me that was dear at the time.. it doesn’t make sense and that in itself is a very long dark story.. I get it.. I get it on so many levels some I am still discovering about me.. I want a life filled with love.. a life filled with forever cause it is just that strong.. I want the passion of the kiss of the spirit of another and want to feel her even when she is not next to me.. The picture I use is of Superman breaking the chains the chains that have held him back for so long cause he was dying inside.. dying from the fears of abandonment.. when you have a father who can leave you and a mother who is there but she was not.. due to her own soul torcher. you make your own ideas to what life can bring you.. you can run from all those that love you and even disappear.. I have found in me I don’t want to disappear.. I love my son… he is my life and my soul.. he is the first chain of events in my life that I was able to break..

But what of the other parts of me.. am I alone in coming to this rebirth within a love that is so powerful inside me.. is this love real? can I share this with those within my life… can I show them this love they can’t see… it goes beyond years and also transcends time.. it is a light that has never shown itself before.. who’s lives will it change.. how do I heal? how do I continue to heal that which has no ending… everyday is the answer.. and not hold onto it any longer.. it needs to be set free… I need to find my smile in me… no one else should have this responsibility.. I want it for myself.. I want it for those that are in my life.. I want to be happy for me.. I found someone who made me smile and I thought it was long gone.. I destroyed that too… but when we find such things we normally brush it off as if it was their loss.. It was not their loss it was our own… I have been digging for days now.. and can see that my ability to keep going in deeper… and taking one step forward to takes two steps back is a pattern I will keep doing till I show the actions that show me who I will become… I want to give all this to one person.. one person can take all this and keep it close inside them..and protect it and help me protect myself.  They can understand it and nurture it.. and let it be something they will always keep inside of them.. they will let it grow and share their own growth in the process.. I am broken.. but I am broken cause I never wanted to put all the pieces together.. I am going to do that now.. do that because it is what I want to do… I want to put me back together to be me who I have never met only nurtured needs to satisfy my loneliness… and to be in love with me for all my life.. I need to be responsible for me.. no one else… I can be all that I dreamed.. I can have all that I ever dreamed.. and I can listen to the dreams of others.. I can express my love, I can let their love be expressed to me.. I can say what I feel out loud and not feel the fear anymore.. I have to let the fear go… It is the journey that is calling to me.. it is the journey I was born to live.. I am healing………………

10 Comments on “My first blog December 25, 2007 To Heal…

  1. I was going to search your posts and find the first… Thanks for re posting and re sharing that memory and your words… Awesome strength courage and love. Thank you my friend for sharing such a moving part of your life.

  2. The aligning place of connection is calling to a path.. I am going to start posting these and allowing what I came from to come to light.. It will help some who don’t see the paths before them.. removal of such pain is the pathway to such light… You are in sync with this.. I would very much be honored if you would feel it’s energy and share from your directional soul energy to unlock others and myself.. You have gifts that are able to enlighten what needs to be unlocked in some to include myself! Ty my friend!

    • Our gifts shared are keys, we are helping each other unlock that energy. I am learning to direct that energy and when I have it mastered I will be truly free. I am an infant so to speak and have noticed that when my energy is negative even in thought if it triggers emotional darkness that can be very destructive. I am trying to learn and control my personal energy that I may responsibly project those energy’s. Yes I can send and share the energy of light love and our universe to people and places it seems however that gift is not mine it is our Creators. You have been and are part of my learning and part of my sharing skills are being learned and shared with you. You have that energy and the ability to channel it as well. I believe that there are many of us awakening now and together we are going to change our world with love and the energy of love and creation. I am learning to be responsible and earning the ability through virtues and vigilance patience is the hard part. It takes time and great effort to control emotions as you know without becoming dark or emotionless. if responsibly those of us who can feel and channel energy would be able to heal and envelop the pain of many and convert that energy to loving energy the light of creation. I am honored that you can see and feel such, I have great love for you my friend and feel we have much that we share and much that we can do in the service of our fellow man. Yes directing or amplifying our energy with that of others is the key to helping mankind evolve. We are fortunate to be a part of it.

      • My friend your words are speaking from the master of the free inside you… it is not a will be as you say… you are now in this moment without any thoughts about it. It is easy to become unconscious around unconscious energy. yet it is a choice, As I read what you speak it feels your capacity to evolve is far greater than you say…your expanding from you maybe minutes away. You speak from an energy that is ancient it maybe still new to you… but it is always new.. it is always in birth.. it is mature as you stay inside to feel yourself love as deep as you share and give yourself inside that gives us outside. You give that without worry. Do you struggle to see this cause of thought? do you realize your words are pointing to this forgiveness in ways you may not say directly! You may have moments that are fleeting of what you feel you may be.. but I can feel your energy and it is very much pure.. It is emerging at the pace you realize you don’t need to control any longer. Time of mastery is realizing there is no time.. only the thoughts of it! I commend you but I can see your true form.. Be modest take it as a wonderful compliment and accept this now about yourself! We do!

  3. I have embarked on this same path over the last year and a half. It has hit full tilt over the last six months and I am just really getting started. Have you found the healing you were searching for? Has the journey gotten better? My guess is yes.

    I like the Clark Kent/Superman visual.

    • My friend in the life experience exactly in the human form you are always healing.. as the mind will always be a constant battle from taught way of being to the expansion of experience that needs to make room for love.. you can do so and then a form of forgiveness arrives in you that brings you gifts that are inside the soul. My journey has been magnificent with tragedy, pain, exhaustion, peace, love, blissful love and a never ending experience of the journey within to grow a love connection that is beyond what the mind never knew possible as it was left in my death.. So yes there is a magic awaiting to be unlocked.. and it is unlocked when you go inside yourself to bring it out! I would love to read your story do you have it posted? and Thanks for responding it is with gratitude I am happy that you did!


    • Oh that is christmas isn’t it… Oops… Didn’t catch that! Interesting… I was alone in a home that was being foreclosed on and had lost my current love, and family and everything else. I lost everything on purpose! so to have wrote this was a christmas gift all in itself!

  4. I hadn’t quite got back that far yet….so thank you for bringing it to light. This all makes so much sense to me. I hope perhaps that I am on a similar path. However, it is very confusing at the moment,,,,,last night I dreamt of snakes in a lounge room (not mine or one I recognized). They whipped back and forward so fast across the floor that I had no time to get out of the way. I seek the love that you speak of and I know I will recognize it when I find it. Because I have had it before. Jen

  5. searching inside mind or soul,
    what and where, who told
    not you..not me..but can you find love
    is it inside? is it trapped? or you let it free
    it surrounds and glows, from your head to toe

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